Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Phase out: Planned Parenthood, Phase in: AutoAbort

Good news! Your best friend the government just came out with a new vaccine! This one to prevent birth.

Instead of taking a pill every day to prevent pregnancy, you can just have periodic miscarriages.

Side effects: Recurrent bleeding and an occasional feeling of loss.

What I hate: Eugenics

What I love: Informed consent

Show me on the doll where the TSA touched you

People across America are really freaking out…..they are muttering the whole way through security, posting angry status updates after flying, making powerful “I’m going to do something about this “ eye contact with TSA workers at the airport …I mean really serious stuff. Rightly so I suppose….the government is paying for and enforcing child molestation, grandma defiling, even hot-girl under the shirt/over the bra action. That’s not okay.

I think the real solution can be found in that conversation we all had with our moms. Not the official sex talk, the one you get right after your first invitation to a sleep over party. I’m talking about goodtouch-badtouch. Really Americas are trying too hard to fight for their fourth amendment right. You don’t have to go through all the trouble of writing a brief email to your senator’s summer intern or having a pissy tone with the TSA employee. Liberty is way more attainable than that. No means no people. Our government understands that. We just aren’t effectively communicating the simple fact that they are sexually violating us….and taking pictures of it. They wouldn’t do it if we were…right?

So next time you are given the alternative of making soft core porn while undergoing a radiation treatment or being molested: pick molestation, and scream every time they touch you. Yell things like “bad touch!,” “no, please stop,” or simply cry in agony. Its not rape if you don’t scream right?….wait.

Listen America: Its not your fault. You’re safe now. Good for you for being brave.

I mean probably this little kid had a gun or something. Not like they ever actually find the guns.

Time to get real

Seriously. Look around. It's time.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Racially Inaccurate

One of the most frustrating things in today’s society is racial profiling. You see it everywhere. White people locking their car doors in black neighborhoods, cops pulling over black people when they weren’t speeding to look for drugs, taxis avoiding black people because they worry they will at worst be robbed, and at best be left unpaid. Not cool.

But black people aren’t the only people who struggle with racial profiling. As an American Indian (I’m not sure what kind) and an Italian (And some other cauc-boring heritages I don’t identify with), I too have struggled with racial profiling. Even some of the closest people to me have brought into my life the grief associated with racial profiling. My own husband, upon learning of my native American heritage (<1%), asked me if I had a spirit guide, if I like tribal music, and worst of all, if I could paint with all the colors of the wind. I was outraged. No, I don’t know how to use an axe. No I don’t sleep in a teepee. This is stereotyping. Racial stereotyping. I, like all indians, buy my wood at Home Depot. I sleep in a condo near downtown Decatur. We listen to top 40. We are just like you. Shame on you, husband. Shame on you.

Similarly, people always ask me…”Dinner at your grandparents must be the best!” And I mean, yes it is. My grandmother makes a mean Schiacciata. But that is a racial stereotype, and I do not appreciate it. Its not OK to assume that just because I’m Italian I can make really great bready foods, or that I have a firey attitude that makes me look prettier when I’m mad, or that I’m an excellent lover, or that I will age well. Those things may be true, they may not be. My point is that is it racial stereotyping. Let’s rise above this travesty and get to know people for what they are, without making assumptions.

What I hate: Racial profiling

What I love: Dream catchers and pizza

Monday, August 10, 2009

Polos For Piercings

I don’t know much about the regular sized Five Points, but Little Five Points (Atlanta) has a serious problem. Filled with great restaurants, decent shopping, and some nearby chain-
essentials (Best Buy, Borders, Target), Little Five Points is also plagued with a serious problem: weirdos.

Normally I would just forget about a place that has large groups of pierced and painted Goths, or white people with no shirt on and dred locks, or people riding their bike with two different shoes on and an oxygen tank as a backpack . BUT Savage Pizza has good pizza (Atlanta good, not New York good), and Front Page News has good dessert – and enough tv’s for every eyeball in the place to be watching a different game. I also hear The Vortex is pretty good, though I admit I haven’t had the guts to go in there because the entrance seems to encourage the hooligans, and they generally congregate there - after all, the tetanus shot is not 100% effective. We all say that we’re not cool enough to go to Little Five alone, but we all know the real reason regular people go there in groups is because they’re afraid to be licked or get their palm read by a man with no hands.

The Caucasian prep student in me feels very strongly about this issue.  And the Evangelist knows just what to do about it. So without further ado, I present to you a new ministry targeted at the freaks of Little Five Points. You give us your piercings, we'll give you a polo. 

We come in peace. We’re here to help. Please don’t touch me. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Thursday, February 26, 2009

I <3 Megan Joy Corkrey too...

1. She dresses like a church girl, but has a giant tattoo on her arm. 
2. She's from UT. Home of the Mormons, who I love.
3. She influences Paula to use big words like "relevant" and "current."
4. She's not afraid to pull her pants up repeatedly on live national tv.
5. I want to marry her.
6. Blondes aren't even my type.
7. And she sings well. 

Miss you Megan.